original photo by foxbert

I’ve been reading many posts lately from bloggy friends about their struggles with anger and depression. While my heart goes out to them, it’s so good to know that I’m not alone. I think it’s important for us to be transparent with our struggles so we can help each other through them. Online communities are great places for us to feel safe to reveal a part of ourselves without judgment. I think Jesus is blessing us through these Christian outreach programs. Moms need outlets and, seriously, who has the time or money to go to therapy? Or a spa?

While I would never confess to my Sunday school class the history or extent of my anger or depression issues, it seems more than ok to blog about it to the world. Are we that anonymous? I feel more love reaching out to me from strangers on the Interwebz than from real world acquaintances.

So, it’s time to get real, y’all.

While most people who know me in real life seem to think I have it all together, I know that I am just moments away from a total breakdown. The balancing act is so fragile that it takes all my efforts to maintain this façade of ease. I have battled depression since my childhood.

I could regale you with all sorts of sad tales of my miserable experiences at school, but I will suffice it to say that I had major anxiety that led to weekly migraines. I am absolutely socially inept. Being raised in the South, this was a nightmare for my socially adept mother. I just didn’t participate in social events. She still has not forgiven me for not attending senior prom.

Education became my escape. It was something I could lose myself in and not have to face reality. I wasted much time taking worthless college classes to postpone graduation. It was an idol. I was not a Christian.

When the inevitable graduation loomed, coupled with the abandonment of a boyfriend (an extremely unhealthy relationship), I attempted suicide.

God had plans for me. I should not have survived.

The resurrection of my life was slow and painful. My relationship with my parents was in shambles. The boyfriend was devastated and confused and regretful.

So we got married. Misery.

That fear of reality? Oh yeah. Wham, in my face.

So I had a lovely worthless BA in English. I completed my M.Ed. I taught high school English.

We got divorced.

But I have my Elizabeth.

Jesus found me.

I lost five jobs in two years. Unprofessionalism. Anger issues. Relationship issues.

Church people betrayed me.

When I had virtually no prospects for my future, a mortgage, a car payment, a young daughter developing issues of her own…

God brought me Aaron.

And Aaron picked up the pieces. Just like the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme.

It’s so difficult for me to reconcile my past with my present.

My superiority complex means I hate myself more than you could ever…

Jesus forgives but I can never forget.

It took me a looooooong time to get comfortable with this whole stay at home mom thing. It really sucks sometimes that I have all this formal education and no one to whom to impart all this built up knowledge. I get frustrated that I seem to do the same drudgery each and every day with no appreciation. It seems like so little to impact the world. I feel so worthless.

My husband gets to bank blood from American soldiers to pump into wounded soldiers in Afghanistan. It may be hard to take seeing those poor people fight, but at least it’s something more than brainless domestic duties. He’s actively helping people and making a difference in the world.

At least I don’t hide in the closet anymore. God has seen me through terrible times. I am now able to look back at how I’ve grown. Aaron has loved me and saved me from myself. Both loved me before I loved myself. Both know that I am more than I was. Both are healing me.

But still I struggle. I forget. I stumble down that dark hallway. It gets so hard to find my way out again. I see the confused looks on my kids’ faces when I snap at them for no reason or break a promise because I don’t feel well enough or forget to plan a meal. It breaks my heart. I don’t want to be like this. Why does it have to be so difficult?

It shouldn’t be.

So, nowadays I struggle with seemingly silly stuff. (ooh, alliteration!)

I loathe doing dishes. I mean, even loading the dishwasher. It makes me feel all icky to get my hands greasy. It’s my least favorite chore. ew

I really don’t like pushing my two-year-old on the swing in the backyard. I hang my head in shame. I know that makes me the worst mommy ever. I’d really just rather read on the sofa and watch from the window.

I am not a crafter. Messy projects make me cringe. I wish I was more into art. In my head, it looks so appealing, but then I have to clean it all up. Again, the shame!

I struggle a great deal with menu planning and budgeting. I get great ideas. I get inspired (and disgusted) with all the great (and not so great) menu plans online. I don’t bother to post any of mine here because they usually fly out the window. I can stick with a menu for maybe a week. I just drew one up for October and it’s already fallen flat a couple times. We spend way too much money on food. We like to eat well and use all the best ingredients, but it’s getting ridiculous to have tenderloin with six mouths to feed. And bacon prices are going up? Guess we better buy some hogs and go into homesteading or something.

While this is mostly a homeschool blog, there’s only so much I can take with snapping pictures of my kids doing math or looking cute. Most of the time, we just do whatever it takes to get through the day. Again, the guilt sets in when I see all the great science experiments and arts projects all over the blog world. And, y’all, this is beyond the blog envy I recently read about in the blog world. I feel physically ill that I am not a good enough homeschool mama to my darlins because we don’t do all these fun activities.

I just get so overwhelmed sometimes. Attempting to figure how to balance everything: exercising, housework, frugal shopping, blogging, cooking, appearances, homeschooling, flossing. Am I the only one who stresses over flossing? I told my husband tonight that I should just complete all the reviews I have pending and delete the blog because I simply cannot do it all.

But I won’t.

I will wait until this season passes. I will take my vitamins and exercise and read God’s word. I will get through this. These seasons are getting shorter and better. Perhaps someday, they will cease to come at all.